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Etiquette

Introduction
Middle Eastern Culture with video
On stage
Eating and drinking

Introduction

Even ancient Greek philosophers were known to complain about the bad mannered youths of their day. Some things never change. However, etiquette has had to change and it would seem at a very fast rate over the last century due to our changing social world and new technologies. Unfortunately, while expanding our boundaries of acceptance, a general lack of manners seems to have arisen. Following the theory of the swinging pendulum, there is a hopeful chance that good breeding will be back in fashion if only as a means of being different than the crowd.

What are good manners? It is well known that this differs from culture to culture. Since belly dancing originated in the Middle East, but is now performed all over the world there comes into play a mixture of considered good manners. To further add to the confusion is the western influence of stage and theater etiquette.

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Middle Eastern Etiquette

According to Egyptian and Arab etiquette the sole of the foot should not be shown. Sometimes this is difficult to avoid - for instance when dancing on the toes in the direction away from the audience.

Not showing the sole of the foot also applies to the audience so spectators keep your feet firmly planted on the ground if attending an Egyptian feast. Touching someone with your foot is also a no no.

Egyptians are sociable. They are drawn to people and the physical closeness between people is smaller when conversing. If a place is empty they are likely to sit next to you. However, this does not necessarily mean that they want conversation.

Never point at a dancer as pointing is considered rude and certainly no thumbs up sign as this is out in all Arabic cultures.

If at an Arabic or Turkish restaurant, never handle food with the left hand.

The embeded video from youtube below, on Middle Eastern food and etiquette, is very interesting. Adverts for the first 1.15 minutes and be aware that youtube will track you with cookies, so switch them off. Some are LSO, long term hidden cookies, that need special browser add ons to remove them. Compare with video on western culture below.

The Performer's Etiquette

Never turn your back to the audience is one of the best known stage rules. Breaking this rule in belly dance occasionally, can create a profound artistic statement and dramatic ambience. (This positioning is used on this site because the site is about everyone in general and is not here to sell the author.)

In situations when the audience is seated in a circle the dancer should include everyone by moving to face all directions.

The other old rule of 'keep on smiling' while dancing can also be broken for the same reasons of creating ambience, but that smile could win the heart of the audience, especially a Middle Eastern one!

What occurs backstage should at all times be kept private. The audience should not be able to see or hear performers backstage.

Peering at the audience from behind the stage curtains looks unprofessional even if one's great grandmother is in the audience. Rest assured that not only her attention will be got. It looks shabby and the point is to dazzle everyone with your performance and allow them to remember you as that performer. The image will be immediately destroyed by being seen peeping from behind stage. Walking amongst the audience wearing performance clothes at less formal shows will also destroy the illusion of the grand performer. The air of mystery and fascination surrounding the performer will be destroyed. In a theater situation, socializing with members of the audience is best avoided.

Hanging about in the wings having a conversation can be distracting to fellow performers.

Props, such as Saaidi canes, should be strictly left alone so that fellow performers can be guaranteed that they are in working order and in place. It is a good idea to always check that your props are in good working order and avoid using complicated props. Make sure all fastenings on clothing are secure.

Entering the stage looking confident and dignified will also instill confidence in the audience. It looks amateurish to talk with fellow dance troupers while coming on stage or at any time throughout the performance.

The audience likes to see cordiality on stage so it looks good to acknowledge a live band. It is not a good idea to be rude to them during the performance or immediately backstage where the public can overhear. The audience can easily pick up any tension between performers, Dj's or technicians. If something goes wrong be it your own mistake or a fellow performer or technician it looks bad to let tempers fly on stage or within hearing distance of the audience. The scuffle will be remembered and even morbidly enjoyed whilst the performance forgotten. If there is a mistake the audience will be unaware that a move has been left out or that the dance was slightly different in rehearsal. If the mistake is obvious , try to keep that confidence and improvise or just laugh at it. Easy to say, but The worst thing is to freeze or give a loud 'Oh no!' or 'That is wrong.

It is not a good idea to become personal with the audience - for instance waving to your best friend on the first row, as this excludes the rest of the audience. It is obvious that scratching or blowing one's nose looks undignified while performing. Ensuring that clothing is comfortable and noses are blown before the performance is recommended. My personal dislike is when performers obviously wipe sweat away with their hand or arms so that the sweat is clearly seen flying all over the place.

At the end of the performance when the music stops, the body language of the performer cues the audience to applaud. It is good manners for the performer to accept and acknowledge the audiences' appreciation by bowing or curtseying. Only the very best dancers can get away with an arrogant and quick wave goodbye. The audience wants confirmation that their appreciation has been accepted which can lead to the second or third bow or curtsey. If there is live music, draw the audiences' attention to the band so that they too can receive their applause.

It is said that a performer should never pick up their own veil. Sometimes the situation ma not accommodate that but leaving the stage with the same pride that you entered leaves a lasting good image. Changing out of the performer's costuming, especially if the situation demands that you mix with audience members, enhances the final goodbye image. At less formal functions such as a belly dance party, especially one which is held in a hired room or restaurant can entail performers to mix with the audience.

Willingly give information about the music used if asked.

The audience's etiquette

Since the audience pays good money or is invited to a show, one could say that they have the right to criticise or give their views regarding the performers. However, every audience member has an obligation to other audience members. Even though you may not be enjoying the show, others may indeed want to watch the performance in peace and quiet. It is not a good idea for audience members to be talking out loud, slurping on drinks or munching on food. A restaurant or party situation is an exception though. The etiquette requirements are automatically expected to be different in advanced.

There is good chance that dancers or guests might at one time or another be attending apres dance parties and dinners to celebrate the success of the show. Remember it is rude to refuse the hospitality of a Middle Eastern person. Below are some guide lines that the well bred guest will undoubtedly adhere to:

Eating and Drinking

Invited to a Drinks Party ?

The invitation is a logical place to start. The earlier an invitation is replied to then the host has more time to organize things. Moreover, if the reply is a 'yes' then it is imperative that the guest attends the party or at least has every intention to do so. The present day fashion seems to be for the guest to wait until the last minute before the party, to see if a better invitation comes his or her way. Wrong.

If the reply is a genuine 'yes', then the question remains 'what time to turn up. A good guide line is thirty minutes after the party starts, unless one is a hollywood star wanting to escalate the anticipation of their arrival, by arriving one hour before the end. It is also very rude to arrive early because the host may not be ready. If one is one of the hangers on until the death, one should try to gauge the well being of one's host. Matchsticks propping the host's eyes open is a sign that one has overstayed their welcome and not the latest fashion in eyewear.

Dining Western Style

Etiquette is easy to remember if you realize that it serves the purpose of making people around you feel at ease. Much of it is about common sense and thoughtfulness towards others.

Etiquette at the table (and elsewhere) ensures that a pleasant time is enjoyed by all, even if you are all on intimate terms. For instance nobody wants to see the contents of someone's mouth or somebody picking their teeth. It obviously takes less time to chew smaller bites of food than trying to stuff great chunks of food into your mouth. This makes it easier to have a conversation without having to talk with a full mouth. In some countries, toothpicks are provided at the table and it is the done thing to use them at the table. Excepting these countries, before poking at bits of food from between your teeth, excuse yourself from the table. This brings me to another courteous of not telling everyone that you have to go to the toilet or washroom. The other diners do not really want to know the ins and outs of your bodily functions. A simple excuse me is enough.

It makes for a cozier dinner if everyone is acquainted first before sitting at the table. It is still courteous for a man to pull out the chair for a lady.

The place setting of a many coursed dinner can be a bit confusing. Unfortunately, the layout described here does take up a lot of room.

On the left side of the table place you will find;

Forks listed and used furthest away from the plate first;
- fish fork
- dinner fork
- salad fork
Bread and butter/salad plate with a butter knife on it. (Bread rolls are best broken off in pieces as required and buttered from a piece of butter on the plate. Also usually eaten with the left hand which in Mid Eastern cultures is bad manners.)
Any individual condiments.

On the right side of the table you will find;

The soup spoon and/or the cocktail fork. These are placed furthest away from the plate.
Knives listed and used furthest away from the plate first;
- fish knife
- dinner knife
- salad knife. (Used only as a help. The tradition of not cutting your salad comes from past days when poison was now and then injected into lettuce veins. By not cutting the lettuce, trust in the host is shown.)
Glasses listed from the far right working inward;
- the sherry glass which is the smallest glass.
- the white wine glass which is the middle sized glass
- the red wine glass which is the largest glass.
- the water goblet which is also large in size
- the champagne flute placed above the red wineglass and water goblet. Note that a flute type of glass is used and not a wide rimmed glass.

Above the plate in the middle of the place setting you will find;

the menu
the pudding/dessert spoon and fork. Fruit is dessert or sweet. Anything else is pudding.

On top of the plate itself is the napkin. Note that it is a napkin and not a serviette. Arranged on top of the napkin is the place card with the guest's name on it.

The outer cutlery is used first as these are the first courses to be served. You may have noticed though that in our place setting the salad cutlery is on the inside. When it is placed next to the plate it means that the salad will be served in the original traditional way of after the main course, but before the pudding.

The place setting may seem congested at first especially with all the different glasses. The glasses are removed after their corresponding course by the server/waiter. White wine glasses should be held by the stem and not the bowl so as not to heat up the chilled white wine. On the contrary, red wine glasses may be held at the bottom of the bowl because red wine needs to be at room temperature and the heat of the hands will not really tamper with this.

A typical formal British dinner usually consists of seven courses. It is good manners to eat a little of all that is offered. Yes! Easier said than done especially for vegans such as myself or anyone with a food intolerance. Of course a quiet word with the host beforehand can save much embarrassment later.

Soup course
Fish course
Meat of fowl course
Salad course
Pudding course
Coffee of tea. (Best taken away from the dinner table so that guests can mingle more.)

If unsure cue yourself to your host for help. It is polite to wait for the host to pick up their napkin first before you dive in. The food is served from the left and cleared from the right. Drinks are served from the right and also cleared from the right where the glasses are placed.

It is very modern to comment and discuss the food especially with all the tv chef programs. This is another personal pet hate. I really don't want to hear about what others have in their mouth and how they experience it. I am trying to enjoy what I have in my own mouth. Also asking the host for the recipe is crass. It is like the magician giving away the wonder of the trick.

Cigarettes if allowed, can be lit up after the pudding. Ladies, it is very vampy and film starish to replace lipstick at the table after a meal, but lets play royal and not film star. Any grooming is for the powder room as not everybody at the table will be wanting a make up lesson.

Do and Do not tips;

The napkin is not a tissue or handkerchief for blowing noses on.
Do not take medication at the table.
Condiments (sauces etc) are placed at the side of the plate and not all over the meal. The exception of course being salt and pepper. Food picked up with the fork may be dipped into the condiments.
Elbows should not be on the table, even though it does seem to bring intimacy to an informal company.
Pips or any other unwanted objects in the mouth can be removed with the fingers or preferably with a cupped left hand and placed on the edge of the plate.
Don't reach across people for things. Don't talk across someone as if they are piggy in the middle.
Bags, glasses or briefcases belong on your lap or on the floor Certainly not on the table.
Cell phones are an absolute NO NO! Fellow dinner guests deserve all your attention. This goes wherever you are. Answering a cell phone in the company of others tells them that they come second to your caller.
Never blow on food to cool it. Blowing out candles on a birthday cake is also dirty and passes germs around.
Look into your glass when drinking and not over it unless it is a very intimate tete a tete.

The video below is an American etiquette film from 1951. Non-American dinner etiquette is slighly different, but it is one of many videos on etiquette to be found on Youtube. Remember that youtube will track you with cookies, so switch them off. Some are LSO, long term hidden cookies, that need special browser add ons to remove them.

These are only just some of the courtesies that exist as a rough guide. It is a lot to remember and in this day and age people seem to be more accepting of other's habits. It can't be a bad thing to try and think of your fellow's comfort too and you will be on the right etiquette track. The most important thing is not to forget to have fun. When the niceties are ingrained and become automatic then it does pay and the dinner is the more enjoyable for it. One fun courtesy is at the end of each course when the men stand up and move to the next male's place on the right. Not designed to get girlfriends jealous, but to mix up conversations and socialise.

Now you are ready for a Hyacinth Bucket candlelit dinner. Enjoy!